I've always been fascinated by how we respond to people sharing their perception of something we have done or not done and the impact that has on us then doing the same.
Many of us will create our own stories about other people, situations and events based on our own experiences in the past. Sometimes, this leads us to avoiding having conversations we really need to have and impacts the relationships we have with people.
Because "last time another person reacted badly" or "I've seen that look before and it didn't end well" means we confirm our own thoughts to ourselves.
Why do we do it and can we do anything about it?
The Ladder of Inference, first published by Chris Argyris, suggests there are six steps to us drawing our conclusions and two steps about how we can change it.
Step 1: Actual, observable, facts, data, or experiences to consider are made available - we record everything going on as if we had a video camera.
For example: there is someone in your team meeting who keeps shuffling about and checking their watch
Step 2: A process of “selecting” data from step 1 occurs - because there is a lot of data in our video, we select and deselect the information we want.
Example (cont'd): now I've noticed it, all I can see is them shuffling about and checking their watch. I have discounted all other available data.
Step 3: Assumptions about the data you’ve selected are made.
Example (cont'd): They look really uncomfortable
Step 4: Conclusions are drawn based on the data you’ve selected, what you’ve determined that the data means, and the assumptions you’ve made.
Example (cont'd): I think they are uncomfortable because there is something they don't want to say or to share
Step 5: You adopt beliefs that are associated with your conclusions.
Example (cont'd): That person is clearly not forthcoming with their feelings or thoughts
Step 6: You take actions based on the beliefs you’ve adopted.
Example (cont'd): I'm going to ask them to share with me what they are thinking and why they aren't sharing.
There are now two dangerous loops we can get ourselves in. The first is our beliefs will now inform how we select our data from our video i.e. we select data to support our beliefs. If we think this person is untrustworthy, we will find evidence/data to support that. And the second is our actions. If we are going to ask more questions of this person, that may make them more uncomfortable giving us more observable data of this discomfort in our meeting...a little like Catch 22!
But, we can stop this all from happening...in two ways.
(1) Question you assumptions and conclusions...either on your own or with a trusted colleague. In the example above, ask "what else could be going on?" This leads to the second point
(2) Seek contrary data - could this person have another meeting to get to? Do they need to leave the office for an appointment? Have they got other work to finish before the end of the day?
The possibilities are endless and we will never know unless we ask...
"I noticed you were shuffling about and looking at your watch a lot in yesterday's meeting, I assumed you had something to say but weren't willing to share it, I felt mistrusted and I would like to discuss this further."
Now we can find out the real reason...it still might be the person was uncomfortable sharing their thoughts...in front of everyone else; but it's in the open and you can work out how to change it.